A Year In Silence

Its been a little longer than a year since I bid adieu to the IT firm I worked for. I do miss the regular appraisal meetings with the manager and the 'evaluation form' one submitted every year. Back then it was another 'to-do' in my list of to-do's. It did make some sense huh. You would sit a few minutes with your eyes glued to the 'appraisal form' and your mind is like- 'Should I rate myself a 3or 4?', My achievements?? Some client appreciation comes up to your mind. Whoa! My improvement area: I think I already know it. Fine, done. Click Submit. And one fine day your manager 'pings' or 'calls up' and you are damn sure; this is gotta be the appraisal discussion. Thoughts flood your mind. I know what I have done and I deserve this. Well, I know I need to improve in this particular area. I'll work on it. Blah Blah ... you go on. I still remember the moment my Manager informed I was rated 'Commendable', I was on cloud nine and I was least bothered of the rest of the conversation. (It was the first time I got that rating.Met expectations were my usual ratings by the way.)

It seemed I was one of the millions waking up each day, travelling all the way to put my efforts into thinking of solutions to satisfy not just the client but my own self. I had a work-place, colleagues, a team, a project, a designation ... all that comes with the branded IT firm.

What do I have now? What am I doing now/ do I do now? Introspection is good. I am a house-wife, home-maker and .... am still thinking what else am I. Life sure has changed a lot since last year but does it really matter. I want to find out.

After having gotten used to the regular introduction -" I am SS.I work with XYZ as ABC", it was difficult changing that to "I am SS and I stay-at-home". Last year, I spent a month at my parents' as Mom had fractured a toe and I thought my stay would help. An elderly couple came over to check on my Mom. "What are you doing beta?", asked the Aunt, looking straight at me. "I resigned from work recently and I currently stay-at-home", I replied politely. 'You are not doing Anything', she continued. I smiled in reply. I had been helping my Mom with the chores and here she says 'I am doing nothing'. Ouch, that did hurt this little heart of mine.

Months later I encountered the same episode. Only the words differed. 'What do you do at home?' They probably thought I had all the time in the world to build an empire. Whatever!

It requires humility to wear a smile on your face and say 'I am SS and I stay-at-home'. I really wished I could use phrases like 'hands-on-mom' or 'full-time-mom' like the proud mothers do. And humility comes when you let go the ego and pride that was attached to 'who/what you were'. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. So true it is. I may not be the 'best' but I love to put in my best into the role I perform.

We moved to Hyderabad, the state of Nizam in June'16. All the cartons with our belongings were stacked up at home. I opened them one by one. I enjoyed every moment as I set up our kitchen, the dining area, the living room and the bedrooms. Climbing, cleaning and thoughtfully keeping everything in its place. There were empty pots in our balcony and I was excited to find each pot its occupant. We headed to the nearest nursery and picked these: Rose, Lily, Croutons and Curry leaves. Mint and Aloe Vera got added too. And lo there appeared a 'little garden' in our balcony.

Planning the breakfast, lunch and dinner, which, were arduous tasks earlier became fun and enjoyable. 'Dosas and left-over chappatis' ruled the breakfast table before because of  'no-time' and 'got a bus to catch' running on the mind. Now poha, upma,paratha and sometimes even idiyapam made an appearance. The poriyal for lunch got flavourful with the 'coconut-jeera-green chilly' topping. A glass of butter milk or sattu(roasted and ground chickpea) on a hot Summer noon. A mango milk shake on a Summer evening was perfect to end the day with. Last Christmas, I wanted to bake a cake. I mixed the flour, eggs, butter, sugar and the mix went into the oven. But guess what came out- a cookie. :(  I messed it up. I better bake a perfect cake this year.

If there was something that brought me joy, it was preparing chicken cutlets and giving a friend on her birthday. She and her family enjoyed every single bite and showered me with compliments. I was overwhelmed with joy. I felt flattered cause my hubby had them too and nothing like those compliments came from his mouth. The other day I tried the traditional Andhra gongura chutney which is a favorite among the locals here. It is hot,spicy and sour all at the same time. My in-laws liked it very much.

Besides, the work at home, I teach a handful of kids at Sunday School (church) once a month. The once strange kids seem to be at home with me. I love the time I spend with them- teaching songs, narrating stories from the Bible and engaging in a conversation with them. A friend working with TFI started a Pen Pal project which requires a group of adults to correspond with his eighth grade students. I signed up for that excited to befriend a unknown teenager.

A stay-at-home person may not have a schedule like that of a professional or a teacher. I may not have an appraisal or a rating but am happy as I am at the moment. I count myself lucky to have time at hand to pursue my own interests unlike those who long for an hour to unwind. Sometimes, I call myself  the 'home-manager' because I know when and what needs to be done at home and take care of everyone who comes to my castle. There are dreams, ambitions that linger in the heart and mind. You never know what the future has in store for you.
Happiness is living in the moment knowing your future is assured in God's hands.