The Then And Now

The other day, my husband joked that I had spent a third of my life with him. Whoa! For better or worse 😀. The other place where I had spent a third of my life was my boarding school. Interesting.

Over the years, from childhood to teens to adulthood... the journey has been far from perfect. If not for those failures and painful and dark moments, I would not be the person who I am. We each have our own stories. Life's experiences have taught me patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love. With time, I find myself becoming someone I had never imagined or hoped to be.

                    Road that leads to Pike's Peak Summit

In my early adulthood, my roomies always had a say in what I ought to wear and what accessories to pair with each outfit. I no longer care for fashionable clothing. 'Comfy' is all I want. I vividly remember the days when I brooded over, 'Which footwear should I wear on my wedding day? ' Kitty heels or wedges? I've made peace with who I am. I am SHORT, and I am happy to wear flats.

I remember the days when I frequently changed or updated my display picture and awaited the likes. Did I validate myself with every post that I posted online? Later, I had to let go of social media to heal. Staying away from social media outlets works well for me and especially my mental health.

In college, I could never have imagined myself in the shoes of a homemaker. Career breaks have taught me respect for homemakers and to never look down at anyone for what they do.

It was fun being around a gang of friends from work or church. Now, I don't want too many friends. A handful of people you can trust is all I would ask and pray for. I would rather stay at home all alone than hang out with people who chatter endlessly about subjects that I take no interest in. As a child, I remember Grandma's warning never to be like the homemakers, who, after having done with their chores, come together and gossip all day. Grandma would be proud of me 😂.

Rather than just looking for pleasure in the things I do, I look for purpose and meaning in them, thereby taking pleasure in them.

One lesson learned the hard way: 'Do not dwell on words people throw at you.' If you were to dwell or meditate on something, may it be something true, noble, pure, lovely, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). Always finding something to keep your mind and hands busy saves you a lot of trouble. Reading, learning new skills, cooking healthy meals, working out to keep your health in check, and organizing the home keep me going when I do not have a 9-5 job. With the weather so cold, I struggle each day with almost everything I have listed out. It's been too cold to take a walk in the neighborhood. Gloomy, dull days make reading difficult. I have to push myself to do indoor workouts. Looking out for opportunities to be there for others—volunteering to organize a friend's home who has too much on her plate, picking up a friend's daughter from school, or baby-sitting your neighbor's children. Volunteering, to me, gives more joy and satisfaction than a paid job does.

To be at peace with those around us and in every relationship is a blessing. Learning not to expect much from people, learning to forgive people (again and again), learning to agree to disagree (opinions, politics, and theology), and much more.

Do you remember that feeling of independence when you landed your first job? Wasn't it exciting and seemingly liberating, as if you held the keys to all you wanted in life? When life's storms wreak havoc on you, and you learn that weakness and pain will be an integral part of your life, it's truly humbling. It takes humility to acknowledge you need help, especially when you've always wanted to be strong and independent. I now accept the fact that I cannot be my best self every day, and asking for help makes me no less of a person.

I had learned to suppress my emotions as a child and lived that way for a very long time until life's experiences taught me it's okay to cry, to feel joy and sorrow, and to be loved and love others genuinely without fear. While I still struggle to trust people, I have learned to be vulnerable to a select few. Recently, my husband and I took a trail called the Horsethief Falls Trail. The first part of the hike was strenuous as we started at 9690 feet and gained an altitude of more than 500 feet. While my heart began to pump fast, and I had to stop to catch my breath, the joy of seeing the water fall at the end of the hike kept me going. What joy we experience when we, with all our hearts and souls, show love and kindness to others without expecting anything in return!

    

 Frozen Horsethief falls

Instead of dreaming of what I'd like life to be/what I want to be, I'm learning to trust God with every step. 'One step enough for me.' I have goals, and I put in the time and effort working towards them. How long or short our life will be, we do not know. Is life only about life on this earth? Doesn't eternity count as well? For God has set eternity in the hearts of men. What more could I long for—if Christ is all I need and want? If life were never about my very own self, why should I in vain contemplate what I ought to be?

Being an immigrant comes with a bag of anxieties. While I can worry about what I cannot do or do not have, help me, Lord, to choose gratitude for all that thou hast given me. The sovereignty of God is such a comfort for the anxious mind. Knowing and trusting God is on the throne, and He cares for His own.

Have Thine own way, Lord,

Have Thine own way;

Thou art the Potter,

I am the clay.

Mould me and make me

After Thy will,

While I am waiting,

Yielded and still.