Healing in the Pain

I have carried this baggage for too long. It's time I let go of it and walk free. 




A Caring Aunty from church accompanied me and my hubby to a hospital to have me examined. The reason - It was two years past our marriage and the expected bundle of joy had not arrived. I am so grateful for the love she had for us. Like a mom, she took me to the doctor's office.I've heard stories from colleagues who went for treatment month after month.But what followed next was least expected.

The lights went off as I lay on the table for the TVS.The doc began the exam with her magic wand and, I yelled in pain,"It's painful, it's painful."  Everyone in the room gave me a weird look. It was not supposed to be that way. The next time I complained of pain, I was told 'could be psychological'.By this time, I began having nightmares the day before my exam. It was like every time the doctor gets to work with the wand, I would shout rather yell in pain like someone abused. That stinging pain lasted a day or two. I dreaded my every visit to the hospital.

I thought talking to the Consultant Doc would help. I brought this up to her, and she examined me. As usual... it was Painful. "Some things in life will be painful," she added. I could have agreed with her but not this time. It was driving me crazy. Am I making it up, faking the pain? Is something really wrong with me? I turned to Google looking for answers. Tried Kegel, taking deep breaths before the exam. Nothing helped. I gave my hospital visits a break. I shared my decision with the kind-hearted aunty.

After a LONG break, I gathered courage to visit a clinic nearby.Even before she could check me, I requested the doctor to be slow because of my experiences. My heart began beating fast as I lay again on the examination table. She began to examine and yes the Pain recurred.She was kind enough to stop the procedure when I complained about it. After that, she went on to lecture, "How do you even expect to give birth when you can't handle this... Blah blah."  I was in pain and now it hurt. A month later I decided against going to the clinic.




Months went by, and I began to have severe pain in my lower abdomen. I had these pains on and off. I somehow made up my mind to see the doc when I could no longer bear it. We had moved to a new place in the city. The hospital was just a walk away. During my first visit, the doc offered to do a pap smear. Now, the speculum was worse than the probe. I felt a stabbing pain... like a knife down there. Thankfully, they stopped. I was advised to undergo a complete pelvic scan. The past did haunt me. I prayed and asked the Lord to prepare me mentally. On the day of the exam, I waited for my turn with hands on my face, I prayed for strength. This was the third hospital in the city. When it was my turn, I told the doc how painful my earlier scans were."Could you please be slow ma'am?"I requested. She was so patient that she let me guide her. And the pain did recur. "I'm sorry, you have adenomyosis," she said. I had tears in my eyes because of the pain."It will be painful, but I have to examine you,"and she continued with the procedure."Sure ma'am."  It was painful, but her words eased my pain. "Don't tell your hubby that I made you cry," she told me after the exam. "I am sorry for your past experiences.""Thank You, ma'am." Such a relief after years. I finally got my scan done successfully. Thank God!! For the first time, someone addressed the pain.

I had carried this baggage of pain and hurt for a long time > 2.5 years. I found it difficult to talk it out with dear ones too. When I heard someone say,'I know it hurts', it felt like a healing balm. Are you going through something in this journey of life that you find it hard to talk it out? Have you been through tough times that have left a scar in your heart? Past trauma? You too can find Healing in the Pain. We need not be ashamed of what we are going through or been through for no fault of ours. Feeling hurt, pain does not make you less strong, less brave. Let God heal you in His time. 

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise. (Psalm 51:17)


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